Better Than Yours
I know it was so wrong, but what was it called?
Lest B'n'C be accused of ignoring all you fine ladies out there, and for those who want to know what's really going on in the streets, you know, the ones populated with girls painted in multiple shades of national colors, in various states of undress and inebriation, affiliate and reputed Crown Princess Emcee MC [Not a rapper - Ed.] has been out and about, up down and around the world and the West Coast, canvassing, polling, reporting -- whatever it is one calls it when you talk in peoples faces and ask them things about things. Anyway, she's great at that and has compiled a rigorously scientific scale of male pulchritude, refined after many an hour perched in front of the telly, [insert offensive, sport-related, gerundal/adjectival double entendre here, then laugh - Ed.].
The Eusebios: Acknowledging World Cup's Finest Looking Men*
Where's Posh?: The "I'm Starting To Look Like Becks" Award**
Winner: Andriy Shevchenko. He's even starting to run like him.
Go Grease Lightnin': Best Sleaze on the Pitch Award.
Winner: Francesco Totti, per todo. Hard to pick from all potential Azzurri. But anyone who can compare the size of a football with his...["his Schweinsteiger?" "his Pekerman?" "his Vennegor of Hesselink?" - merely Ed.'s suggestions; also, here the prose trails off into some sort of dirty, meticulously detailed sex dream, which can be posted upon request]
Don't listen to Busta: The "Why'd You Cut Your Locks?" Award
Winner: Asamoah Gyan. Please, please man, bring back the fro. You were hotter with it.
Old man take a look at my life: The Real Golden Shoe
Winner: Tie, Cafu and Zinedine Zidane. Widow's Peak balding patterns? Whatever. Wrinkles? Shortsightedness? Sure. Still hot.
Weisswurst: The Hometown Hero Award
Winner: Jurgen Klinsmann. Klose comes clos-e [I'll let you get away with that one, don't know why - Ed.] and Ballack is perfecting his Will Hunting-pout, but sorry Boys, your blonde wonderboy coach is still hotter, especially when wearing his tight baby blue Lacostes and crisp white button-downs (rolled-up sleeves, of course).
Even Michael Owen is Older Than Me: The "Best All-Around Boytoy" Award
Winner: Luis Valencia (Cristiano comes a close second - but anyone named after Ronnie Reagan doesn't make the cut)
Little Red Corvette: The "You Look So Much Like Prince It Frightens Me" Award
Winner: Ronaldinho. He's already got just one name - now give me eyeliner and Purple Rain.
True Hotness: The Golden Eusebio
Winner: Fabio Cannavaro. Who knew? Defenders can be hot.
*These awards do not include any players from the USA. When asked about potential Americans, most women shuddered in way I haven't seen since a group of freshman girls did when they saw Captain Ma***ra running suicides in pre-season, circa 1998.
**For obvious reasons, we couldn't include Hotness himself, just not fair. [Neither is dude's voice - Ed's note]
Better Than Yours