UNITED STATES v. CZECH REPUBLIC [0-3]

ROADHOUSE, a/k/a, Boyz II Men, a/k/a On blast, a/k/a, Aired out, a/k/a Smashed.

The Czechs deserved to win the last European Tournament based on the superb brand of football they played, and had it not been for the shock-horror hyperextension of Pavel Nedved's knee, we might have had the dream final of (home nation) Portugal-Czech Republic that neutrals deserve. So to see the Czechs dismantle any team is no surprise. To see them William Wallace the U.S. straight w/ no chaser was about as tough as watching that evisceration scene in Braveheart...but still, no surprise.

What was surprising was the utter lack of any identifiable tactics, game plan, fluidity, imagination, tenacity, or any other adjectives or adverbs that, appearing in abundance, carry good connotations. But we're past that. B&C presents...

7 Ways the U.S. Can Improve:

1. Petition FIFA for an injury exception; fly over Dirk Nowitzki immediately. Diggler, a/k/a Das Cabdriver of the NBA will be free and flying on air after leading his team through the NBA Finals and to the championship. Dude's got ups, can score, and Germans love him. More than say, Steve Cherundolo.

2. Pre-game to T.I.'s King. Works for Morehouse sorority chicks; why can't it work for Eddie Lewis?

3. Have Pharrell produce their next album.

4. Have Just Blaze produce their next album.

5. Training ground team talk = Sam Jack. Someone needs to tell these jokers straight up in their grill how disastrous their performance was. And it can't be their coach. Real talk, knowhaI'mtalkinbout? Ain't none realer than Mr. It Is What It Is.

6. Stop calling the shit "soccer." Sure the word's English in origin as it was derived from "association football." We're not wholly to blame. But it's football the world over, mates.

7. Find this kid. Sign him up. Schnell.